I always go into a cycle where I feel such joy and peace from His presence, but the day after I retreat back to my little bubble and forget how wonderful it was to be close to Him. When I stop seeking Him, when I stop spending time with Him, I am very conscious of it. I do it deliberately. But it’s more than that. Every time I fail to do my devotions, I feel disappointed in myself. I feel guilty and frustrated so I avoid doing it. Because really, nobody likes feeling like they’re constantly messing up so it’s natural for us to avoid putting ourselves in a situation like that. And as I have always been extremely hard on myself (on pretty much.. everything), you can see how I’ve run into the habit of running away from God.
I’ve been watching a TV show lately to a point where I’ve become hooked and I’m always thinking about it. Yesterday, I caught myself thinking about these characters on the show and I stopped myself. How much better would it be if I was constantly thinking about God instead? How much more beneficial and good that would be! And the reason this show was constantly on my mind was because I had spent so much time every day for the past week and a half watching it. So what if I stopped watching and spent all this time with God instead?
Why is it so easy to spend hours watching television than it is to spend one hour – just one hour! – with God? I think it’s because with the latter, it’s a relationship. A relationship where time, love and effort are invested. And here come the guilt and disappointment again. You know what, these feelings that arise every time I think about how I’ve messed up, they’re not from God, are they? All they do is keep me from being with God. They remind me of what an awful person I am and how God wouldn’t even want to meet with me since I’m so unreliable and fickle. They’re all lies, aren’t they?
How good and how great is our God that He yearns to be with us even when we reject Him. How humbling it is to know that.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.” Luke 15:20
Father I’m so sorry. I believe that You are worth all the time in the world. Thank you for your love and grace. Forgive me, let me return to You once again.